4 Steps To Teaching Your Family To Treat You Better
|
Case #1- Elizabeth, a 40 year old homemaker was always feeling angry and "used" by her family, constantly saying that everybody took advantage of her. She felt that she worked like a slave but her family showed no appreciation or acknowledgement of her many efforts.
Case #2- Bill, a 34 year old husband complained that his critical wife was always angry at him.
He spent his life trying to cope with her outrages which often escalated him into defensive anger which didn't happen anywhere but in this relationship.
Case #3- Betty, a 42 year separated mother struggled with her soon to be ex-husband's contempt and disrespect every time she angrily called him to discuss details of their divorce. These three cases bring up the question often asked by participants in our anger management classes: Is it possible to control how family members treat us? The short answer is "no" - but often we can teach them to treat us better!
Believe it or not, we are constantly teaching our family how to treat us- both by our responses to their behavior, and by the behavior we display to them which they react to. In our case examples:
- By automatically doing whatever her husband and children requested, Elizabeth was "teaching" them that there are almost no limits to what she would do for them.
- With his behavior, Bill was actually teaching his wife that the way to get attention from him (even if it was negative attention) was for her to create drama.
- Betty was so intimidated by her husband, that her defensive "attitude" was "teaching" him that to deal with her, he had to push back with the contempt and disrespect that he constantly showed her.
The dance of anger
Our interchange with family members is often like a carefully choreographed dance. They make a move. You make a move in response to their move. They then respond to what you said or did and ?well, you get the idea!
How do you change the dance? Start by seeing yourself as a teacher-of how you would like your family to treat you.
Four ways to change what you teach others
1. Try a softer start-up. Marital research shows that the first few seconds of an interaction can predict the final outcome of the encounter. Try being softer, more polite, more respectful, less hostile, or more empathetic-and see how this change in your approach actually teaches others to respond better to you.
2. Take a time-out before dealing with the conflict or situation. Conflicting or arguing family members often work themselves up to a point at which problem solving is impossible.
The solution is to retreat and give yourself time to calm down and think things over. This takes at least 20 minutes, often much longer. Before taking your time out, it is important to tell the other person that you will commit to returning soon to deal with the conflict, after you are calmer-then be sure to do it!
3. Acknowledge that you see how they must be seeing the situation. Called "empathy," this response on your part teaches others that you care about their feelings and viewpoints, and opinions.
Acknowledgement doesn't mean that you necessarily agree with their viewpoint -only that you see it. Sometimes, your family needs to know that you care about them and respect their opinions before they listen to what you say.
4. Set limits and boundaries for your family members. Limits and boundaries are basically rules regarding acceptable behaviors toward you as well as what you are willing or not willing to do.
If you feel others are taking advantage of you, ask yourself what you may be doing ( or not doing )to give the message it is "ok" for them to do whatever they are doing. Often you can change their behavior toward you by teaching them different rules of being with you. The easiest way to do this is simply to respond differently yourself. For instance, they make you the core of a nasty joke. Being a nice person, you pretend it doesn't bother you (even though it does), so you laugh with everybody else. As an alternative, try not laughing with them, which is a way of teaching them that they have crossed a boundary with you.
2005 © Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved.
Dr. Tony Fiore (http://www.angercoach.com) is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee" at http://www.angercoach.com
|
|
|
Stress Relief In Minutes
For those who are suffering from stress, just about the hardest thing to find is stress relief. Stress can often continue itself on its own energy and, as it mounts up u...(related: Stress Management)
Getting Rid Of Your Frustrations
Punch a pillowScream into a pillowTurn on your favorite music and dance, sing...who cares who sees you. In...(related: Stress Management)
Bite-size Chunks! The Power Of Daily Actions
There may be so much you want to change in your life to makeit less stressful. You can do it all, just not all at once!Feeling in control is an important part of saying Yes toLess Stress. Breaking down any problem into small, solvableparts makes things less overwhelming; it also gives you thesense that you are taking action.Nothing happens in one big action, it is all the smallactions we take daily that make the difference. If you onlydo one thing different, take one small action every day, itwill make a big difference in the long run. If you onlyimplement this simple suggestion, you will see some changesin your life. It looks simple and it is.Fulfilling an ambition of leaving a stressful job, Davedreamed of having a th...(related: Stress Management)
How To Cut Down On College Stress
Probably the least appreciated form of stress is college stress. This is mostly due to the fact that adults simply see a lot of college students sitting on their rear ends playing video games and drinking, instead of seeing students who are under pressure to succeed all the time. In addition to classes, homework, research, reading, paper writing and problem solving, there are now the problems of how the heck to pay for college and whether there will be any jobs waiting after graduation. Thus, with all these forms of college stress weighing students down, it is no wonder that things tend to get ugly when they "blow off steam".Of course, there are better ways to deal with stress than to drink an entire case of beer in one day. In fact, abusing your body with any number of chemicals does not really help that much, aside...(related: Stress Management)
Emotional Freedom - At Your Fingertips!
What would you say if I told you I know of a simple method that can make emotional stress such as upset, anger, ...(related: Stress Management)
Workaholism: 4 Universal Laws For Recovery
The Rule of BalanceThere is more to life than work. There are so many other areas of our lives than just work. Spend some time each day and/or week focused on all the other areas of your life. Repeat after me, there is more to life than work.The Rule of 10This one is a bit controversial, but I've come to believe it through my own experience. The rule of ten states that if it can't be done in ten hours in a day, it shouldn't be done. Occasionally putting in over time or having crunch times is fine, it just doesn't need to become a way of life. Anything more robs you of your presence in all the other areas of your life....(related: Stress Management)
Intelligent Emotions
We so often take the feelings of happiness and saddness for granted. Why do we even have such feelings inside us at all? Well if you've ever asked yourself that question then perhaps you will find an answer here that resonates with you.In order to help you understand the crucial role these very special emotions were meant to play in our lives I propose a short exercise.A) Think of something that makes you happy. Notice where you ...(related: Stress Management)
Reduce Your Stress
If you live in the early part of the twenty-first century, chances are you are feeling stressed.Life for most of us today is highly pressured. Many of us feel stressed because of too little money, and too many urgent things to do, and not enough time to relax and unwind.We are often sleeping too little, eating the wrong foods, drinking too much coffee, smoking too many ...(related: Stress Management)
Stress Buster Tip: Relax From The Weekday Stack!
Everyday can be full of stress but we all deserve a break from life's daily deadlines. Whether you're at home or work we all need to take the time to unwind. Dealing with stress through simple relaxation exercises is a very effective and rewarding approach. I've put together a brief outline of some "Stress Busters" that can help you relax from the stressors we encounter everyday of every week.
site-map - Copyright © 2006 | Contact Webmaster | All Rights Reserved. | Stress Management